Polerium

Queen Elizabeth

Teacups across Britain filled to half-mast, as Queen Elizabeth II pronounced dead

The UK expresses its mourning for the passing of Queen Elizabeth II in the most British ways possible, whilst other members of the Commonwealth Realm express their sentiments, too.

guns

America endures 'once in a lifetime tragedy' for fourth time this month

America's obsession explosive penis-extenders has yet again left politicians exclaiming "who could have seen this coming", "this isn't who we are", and "there was nothing that could have been done" in the face of tragedy, for the nth time in a row.

Joe Biden

SOTU - Man who campaigned on doing absolutely nothing celebrates first year of delivering on election promises

A year since being sworn into office after promising absolutely nothing neither substantive nor hopeful, Joe Biden reflects on a freshman-year achievement few presidents can claim - delivering on the most important, and deeply held promise of his campaign

Ukraine

Britain to 'absolutely cripple' Russian exports, by restricting Newcastle's weekly vodka consumption to "human levels"

With the world uniting behind drastic measures to damage Putin's war machine, Britain plans to put a cork in the Russian economy, as no other nation can.

UK

British Tabloids "shocked & saddened" to announce they can't blame Prince Philip's death on poor & brown people

Right-wing British tabloids are aghast and saddened to announce to the world, that they won't be able to blame the death of Prince Philip, on poor and brown people.

UK

Queen to reconcile with Meghan by gifting her a free midnight car-tour of Paris

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has sought to put an end to the troubles between her family and Harry & Meghan, by arranging a midnight car-tour of Paris for the estranged princess.

USA

Dancing on people's graves to be renamed "Doing the Kyrsten Sinema"

As America continues to be ravaged by the coronavirus pandemic, the deadly plague of super-rich serving, centrist/right-wing Democrats has said "hold my beer", and dealt a crushing blow to the hopes of workers escaping literal starvation wages.

USA

Beautiful - Biden imperial war machine "most diverse in US history💕", with Syria strikes

Biden signs his name for the first time today as a truly American president - by launching the first strikes against a Middle Eastern country. You never forget these precious moments.

coronavirus

Biden to cancel "your hopes & dreams", instead of your crushing student loan debt

Following through on his promises to restore the America we all know, President Biden has announced a crushing blow to the lives of millions and millions of its people, by announcing he will not cancel the nation's student loan debt, which he could do with the stroke of a pen.

coronavirus

Biden to mark 500,000 US Covid Deaths by Not Giving People Healthcare

As the United States passes the tragic milestone of half a million dead from Covid, Pres. Biden pledges to make America America again, by putting capitalism back on top as the OG deadly plague.

USA

Mexico to finally pay for border wall, to stop Ted Cruz from ever coming the hell back

With a deadly virus ravaging the world, Mexico is prepared to take extreme measures to stop the toxic, vile slime of Ted Cruz from ever coming back.

USA

Woman who Fucked Around set to Find the Hell Out, says Senate

With the rumours that Sen. Susan Collins and Sen. Joe Manchin are set to vote against confirming Neera Tandem as the head of the Office of Management & Budget, the American people are set to claw their first win out of the Biden Administration.

USA

Rush Limbaugh awarded primetime radio slot in Hell

The conservative radio host has passed away from lung cancer, aged 70.

Valentines Day

Lonely, socially-isolated Valentine's Day a "refreshing taste of normality", say burned out Millennials

With these unprecedented and challenging times, a lonely, touch-starved, socially-distanced Valentine's Day, with bouts of feeling terrible & just wanting to throw up, is a refreshing blast of normality, from the dating scenes of the past.

UNITY: Centrist Democrats vote to raise Minimum Wage to $15/hr by year 7 million

"The Fight For 15" may soon become your favourite sci-fi, futuristic dystopian-drama, as Democrats kick the can of stagnant wages down the road with the whallop of the century.

US

Kyle Rittenhouse: Police cite "the dude was white" clause of Constitution, in actually advising shooter to break bail conditions

Kyle Rittenhouse got to live what, for ammosexuals, is the American Wet Dream, by inflicting on others a slice of the American Nightmare. Then, he got a literal pat on the back from cops. Now, they've helped him again - in breaking the conditions of his bail.

Ben Shapiro

Ben Shapiro to call for $100 billion covid-stimulus package for WikiFeet

The undisputed king (Joffrey) of the Intellectual Dark Web is advocating for a covid-relief package of the almost actual Dark Web, hoping it'll result in the relief of packages all over his listenership.

Amazon

Jeff Bezos to step down as world's full-time greediest motherfucker

Jess Bezos, who long ago stepped down as a soul-carrying human being, is to step down from his role as CEO of Amazon.

USA

CIA: Iran 'just weeks away' from enough material for Tom Jones powered "Sex Bomb"

American intelligence agencies have revealed to President Biden that Iran is apparently just 'weeks away' from acquiring enough material for a new Tom Jones album, set to light the US on fire.

US

Q-Anon initiation requires "taking space-laser to the brain", reveals idiot congresswoman

When Trump promised to drain the swamp, he meant so that he could unearth his most grotesque, most moronic of henchmen - the Q-Anon cultists. Now, they've risen from the halls of Fox News' dungeons to the halls of power - and are talking absolute crazy, bigoted bullshit. Because of course they are.

coronavirus

Blue-Q to announce how anger at Biden $2000 lies is sexist, Russian Bot, racist, GOP-enabling Malarkey

President Biden brings US politics 'back to normal', carrying on that most hallowed of presidential traditions of lying like fuckin crazy to the American people. And the centrist die hards are eager to jump to his defense. Yippee Ki Yay.

GameStop

Robinhood to rebrand as 'Robin Bastards', after blocking customers from trades

Just like the 1992 film-portrayal of the classic Medieval tale, the creators of the Robinhood app have angered the general populous.

US

Billionaire tears the "new pornography", world confirms

The world's ultimate aphrodisiac has proven to be the hilarious and delicious tears of crying billionaires, who after years of brutally fucking the world over via market manipulation-tactics, have had the tables turned on them, for an r/WallStreetBets engineered spanking.

US

U.S. currency reserve to be backed by Memes

The ultimate power of the chad memes has finally debuted itself, flexing its presence over the virgin money, and over the economic version of an incel hub, Wall Street.

US

Chairman Sanders to unveil new Senate office artwork

Just days after becoming both the all-powerful socialist head of the senate budget committee/mittened-meme-master of the Internet, Chairman Sanders debuts his artwork & agenda, for his new role.