America endures 'once in a lifetime tragedy' for fourth time this month
America's obsession explosive penis-extenders has yet again left politicians exclaiming "who could have seen this coming", "this isn't who we are", and "there was nothing that could have been done" in the face of tragedy, for the nth time in a row.
SOTU - Man who campaigned on doing absolutely nothing celebrates first year of delivering on election promises
A year since being sworn into office after promising absolutely nothing neither substantive nor hopeful, Joe Biden reflects on a freshman-year achievement few presidents can claim - delivering on the most important, and deeply held promise of his campaign
Dancing on people's graves to be renamed "Doing the Kyrsten Sinema"
As America continues to be ravaged by the coronavirus pandemic, the deadly plague of super-rich serving, centrist/right-wing Democrats has said "hold my beer", and dealt a crushing blow to the hopes of workers escaping literal starvation wages.
Biden to cancel "your hopes & dreams", instead of your crushing student loan debt
Following through on his promises to restore the America we all know, President Biden has announced a crushing blow to the lives of millions and millions of its people, by announcing he will not cancel the nation's student loan debt, which he could do with the stroke of a pen.
Woman who Fucked Around set to Find the Hell Out, says Senate
With the rumours that Sen. Susan Collins and Sen. Joe Manchin are set to vote against confirming Neera Tandem as the head of the Office of Management & Budget, the American people are set to claw their first win out of the Biden Administration.
Lonely, socially-isolated Valentine's Day a "refreshing taste of normality", say burned out Millennials
With these unprecedented and challenging times, a lonely, touch-starved, socially-distanced Valentine's Day, with bouts of feeling terrible & just wanting to throw up, is a refreshing blast of normality, from the dating scenes of the past.
Kyle Rittenhouse: Police cite "the dude was white" clause of Constitution, in actually advising shooter to break bail conditions
Kyle Rittenhouse got to live what, for ammosexuals, is the American Wet Dream, by inflicting on others a slice of the American Nightmare. Then, he got a literal pat on the back from cops. Now, they've helped him again - in breaking the conditions of his bail.
Q-Anon initiation requires "taking space-laser to the brain", reveals idiot congresswoman
When Trump promised to drain the swamp, he meant so that he could unearth his most grotesque, most moronic of henchmen - the Q-Anon cultists. Now, they've risen from the halls of Fox News' dungeons to the halls of power - and are talking absolute crazy, bigoted bullshit. Because of course they are.
Blue-Q to announce how anger at Biden $2000 lies is sexist, Russian Bot, racist, GOP-enabling Malarkey
President Biden brings US politics 'back to normal', carrying on that most hallowed of presidential traditions of lying like fuckin crazy to the American people. And the centrist die hards are eager to jump to his defense. Yippee Ki Yay.
Billionaire tears the "new pornography", world confirms
The world's ultimate aphrodisiac has proven to be the hilarious and delicious tears of crying billionaires, who after years of brutally fucking the world over via market manipulation-tactics, have had the tables turned on them, for an r/WallStreetBets engineered spanking.