Centrist Democrats in the House have finally achieved unity with their party's progressive wing, by offering them the extremely generous and ground-breaking deal to raise the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour, by the year 7 million.

The raise is part of the $1.9 trillion dollar covid-relief bill, just passed by the House, now to be sent to the Senate to be passed via reconciliation, instead of the normal majority vote process. This being needed because senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema are in horny jail over UwUing the GOP for the whole of their careers, and refusing to vote to abolish the filibuster.

Still, the centrist wing is proud to tout what they say is the Mona Lisa of legislative masterpieces.

"I was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday," said a Dan Michaels, a strategist for a Blue Dog congressperson, "a game where a group of rowdy millionaires bash their heads together for the joy of their screaming, tribal fans, in order to enhance the riches of their mega-wealthy owners, and I thought - hey! I've got an idea about Congress!"

"Why don't we channel our inner Tom Brady - and not just by being insane right-wingers, who agreed & supported the vast majority of things Trump did - but by lacing up our right shiner, and kicking the can of a stagnant minimum wage down the road with the wallop of the century."

"It'll be like Peanuts, with the issue of a drowning 99% and a completely wilted, anaemic, shrivelled husk of a minimum wage as the ball, and Charlie Brown will be the American people."