Biden to cancel "your hopes & dreams", instead of your crushing student loan debt

President Biden has recently announced he will not be cancelling up to $50,000 dollars of student loan debt per student - a power he absolutely has as president, since almost all US student debt is held by the federal government - and instead will be cancelling your "hopes and dreams".

"It's indeed true that at the stroke of a pen I could do this. But my pen just ran out of ink from writing the next load of enormous checks for the bloated military budget, Wall Street bailouts, ICE's cages for the kids, and those overpriced trays of caviar-stuffed crab rangoon I just like so much, that I feed to my dog. And I've got no money let to buy a new pen. Sorry."

"Besides," the president went on "we can't be dillydallying with silly luxury ideas like 'not living a life of crushing, soul-crippling debt, just for the crime of getting an education'. We need to make America the most competitive in the world again - right now, the planet is being ravaged by a lethal, parasitic virus, and so to combat that, we have to convert life in our nation to that of an infectious, plague. Only by living everyday as an insignificant bacterium feasting on the rotten corpse of society can we become the dominant species."

"Look, I'm just not made of money," he said, "I'm more of a half-man half-money wringwraith, corrupted by the endless buckets of campaign donations I've gotten from huge corporations, during my billion years in politics."

"Nothing is 'owed to you' in life. You just got to earn it. Like how Obama picked me out of the trash can of American political history to make me VP. And again, how he called up the other centrist suits, to get them to drop out and clear the road for me. Ya have to earn it, Jack."