Jeff Bezos to step down as world's full-time greediest motherfucker
Jess Bezos, who long ago stepped down as a soul-carrying human being, is to step down from his role as CEO of Amazon.
Jeff Bezos is to step down as Amazon CEO, to being the world's greediest motherfucker on a more part-time basis. The move will see him still have enough money & power to end homelessness, poverty, child hunger, etc - yet choose not to - but as the 'executive chairman' of the company/black-hole in humanity he founded 30 years ago, rather than as CEO.
Mr Bezos said the move would give him "time and energy" to focus on other projects, such as completing his Lex Luther character arc, busting unions in person with a giant hammer made from the bones of his workers, and gardening.
"Being the CEO of Amazon is a deep responsibility, and it's consuming," Mr Bezos wrote in a letter to Amazon staff on Tuesday - the original language of which was the black speech of Mordor, which I will not utter here. "Working at Amazon takes a lot from you. I would know, because I've taken it from you, personally. It demands great sacrifices, even from me. Over the years, I've had to pour in my time, my energy, my cruelty, malice & my will to dominate all life - as well as your literal literal blood, urine, and stolen wages - to make this dream come true."
"In these extreme times, we have to take stock of what matters, of whether our time is really making a difference - and with a viral plague already ravaging the Earth and causing untold misery for so many, I just don't think there's much more I can contribute, as Amazon's CEO."
An initial search for a replacement proved competitive, as applications from Smaug the Dragon, The Borg Queen, Mitch McConnel, and Ebenezer Scrooge made it a difficult choice. In the end however, when filtering the options down to those that had a 5-star rating from fellow S.P.E.C.T.R.E. group members, and those that could be delivered within the next 24-hours, via an employee forced to wear diapers rather than be allowed to take bathroom breaks, Andy Jassy (currently head of Amazon's cloud computing services) was selected as the runaway choice.