Ben Shapiro to call for $100 billion covid-stimulus package for WikiFeet

Conservative commentator, icon to basement-dwelling, mountain dew connoisseurs everywhere, and parched pussy enthusiast Ben Shapiro has called for Congress to amend the upcoming covid relief bill, to include a $100 billion stimulus package for the foot-fetishist site, WikiFeet.

"I know this may seem strange," Mr Shapiro explained, "not that I'm into feet, or even that I like ogling the feet of non-consenting women across the country - that's obvious for someone like me. But what I admit may strange to people is that I'm advocating for something conservatives naturally find disgusting and immoral - increased government spending, to help people. And boy, do people like me need help. "

"After Parler went down, this place basically became our Facebook. It's crowded - us original inhabitants are being forced out, and what once was our home has now stolen by others. You have no idea how that feels."

"And though the logic may escape your average intellect, I assure you, I am being extremely consistent with the tenure of my positions.  Conservatives have always been explicitly against bolstered government spending for the American people. Unless it's for something we want."

"We've also faced a long history of something no-other group in his country has faced, quite like us. Discrimination."

"Right-wingers in this country have had a long history of being walked on. Usually on a Friday night, when we pay $250 an hour for Mx Funishment to strut up and down our backs, with a six-inch stiletto. But covid & lockdown has taken all that away from us. Americans need relief. And I would love to relieve myself, right now, in a big way. But the problems we're facing here go beyond just one man-child. The problems of lockdown are being felt right in the sole, I mean the soul, of the nation."

"Because of lockdown, nobody in this whole country is getting any, right now - for once, maybe America can put itself in the shoes of a young conservative man. And believe me about putting yourself in other people's shoes, it feels really great when you do that. But in this time of unprecedented (yet largely predictable & preventable) disaster, only the big, sexy jack-boot of the government can stamp down on our nation's suffering. And though this proposal may seem like a contentious issue for many, when it comes to debating, I will go toe-to-toe with anybody on this. I would absolutely love to be toe-to-toe with someone, right now."

"It's time we bring the government to heel on this. Or, rather, that they bring the heels to us."

"It's time that Congress & the Democrats finally act in the best interests of this nation/a group of bitter right-wing fetishists, by giving us what we desparately want & need - pass this package of relief. Or, at least get AOC to angle the camera downwards during one of her livestreams."