Much like when it was moved from its backing of bullioned gold, the US currency reserve is now set to be backed by comedy gold. This comes after news that a group of reddit users from r/WallStreetBets has thwarted the attempts of hedge funds to short the stocks of GameStop (which they were attempting to do whilst on a break from shorting the lives of the entirety of humanity. Again).
The amateur traders, whom the internet is referring to as Robin Hoods (as opposed to Wall Street who are robin bastards), pulled off the plan by putting their own money into the tumbling stocks of the high-street chain, GameStop. This sent the stocks up, with GameStop's value closing up on a 69% high (nice) after just a few days. And now at 10x their original value. Not because the company was making any more money, being anymore of a successful business, but because these heroes wanted it to happen, because they wanted to inflate the stocks. However, under the long-since-shaky, rickety racket of trading rules - financial firms have been doing it, for years.
The hedge funds, mainly Melvin Capital, had put a short - on GameStop's stocks. That's a bet that the value of the stocks would go tumbling down. Ya know, like the collective joy and value of all our lives under generations of predatory capitalism. So, the hedge funds bet that the stocks would go down, and these guys purposely sent them up. Melvin Capital et al lost the bet - and over $5 billion.
In response to the amazing manoeuvre, the White House is to announce that the US currency will be backed by the one, true, forever valued natural human resource - memes. This makes a change from it being backed by foreign oil and the blood of millions of Middle Eastern civilians.
They've also, however, actually said they are 'monitoring' the situation, and the Massachusetts securities exchange has suggested to the New York stock exchange that it halt trading on GameStop. Recommending they stop ordinary people from carrying out manoeuvres that financial firms have been doing with reckless abandon, to the destruction of the entire world economy, with near total impunity, for years. A recommendation which Nasdaq and TD Ameritrade have now implemented.
In a shocking, unprecedented, and totally unforeseen twist-of-events, it looks like the system may be laying one set of laws down for the rich and powerful, and a completely other set for everybody else.
Upon hearing that Wall Street may have experienced a drop of the suffering everyone else has bit force-fed/shit-shovelled for generations - by Wall Street - a spokesman for ordinary people released the following statement: