History's most sensual and hilarious aphrodisiac has turned out to be the tears of billionaires, crying that their own villainous market-manipulation tactics have been turned against them, Planet Earth has confirmed.
The news comes after reports, up and down the web/cable TV, of extensive whining and moaning by the billionaire classes that the GameStop phenomenon has cost them shit tonnes of money. Complaints that led to a very different type of whining and moaning from the working classes, the world over.
Yes, it seems that the trend of millennials killing big companies has spread to the porn industry, as the trend of millenials killing big companies has become the porn industry.
After decades and generations of acts of smite-after-villainous-smite being handed down to the world's population by the super rich, the ordinary people of the web banded together and thwarted the market manipulation-tactics of some hedge fund groups. This led to the Wall Street firms loosing over $70 billion, whilst the lowly amateurs raked it in.
And man did those billionaires cry about it. And man does it feel good.
You see, the finance sector (and predatory capitalists as a whole), have been spit-roasting the lil guy for umpteen years. This dirty fetish of market manipulation tactics is par for the course in the financial sectors of the world, and they've been using them to run a train on the 99%, for forever. A train that time-after-time leads to only a huge, filthy money shot for those super rich, and only a big mess to clean up, for the rest of us. Now the virgin MBA has been beta'd by the Chad Redditor, and the money men have been crying non stop tears over it.
Apparently, the market is only free when the rich aren't loosing money. How odd.
The ultra-rich can break any market/government/moral rule they like, force-feed those below them an endless banquet of misery, grow infinitely richer whilst the world around them is literally burning down. But as soon as poor people getting their own shot at some cash costs the big boys a cent, the emergency break on the whole train gets pulled.
Now that the punishment stiletto is on the other foot, and the ordinary folk have started to fight back, the hedge-fund simps have called on their big-tech & government daddy-doms to re-attach the ball gag to the lil guy, and spank them into submission. So far, these have included Citadel - the company that owns Melvin Capital (the main hedge fund hit in these trades) AND that owns the Robinhood app that's been used by the Reddit traders - ordering the makers of Robinhood to (very likely illegally) shutdown trades on GameStop, AMC, and related stocks. Which would be collusion & market rigging - straight up illegal rigging. The halting of trading has thus, in fact, earned itself a law-suit against the Robinhood app makers, and there are calls by congressional representatives for a full DoJ investigation.
Talking about the government... the White House has publicly stated they are 'monitoring' the GameStop situation, and rumours are that they are also calling on the app-makers to freeze out ordinary investors from the market, to protect their Wall Street big dawgs/donors.
In the mean time, the internet is standing strong against the machine, and continuing to do a lot of delicious, sexy damage.
So, if you're exhausted from a capitalism-accelerated pandemic, crushed under the horrifying weight of capitalism-induced debt, terrified of the effects of a capitalism-induced climate catastrophe - or suffering from any of the endless problems forced on us by the 1%, then take a load off this weekend. Literally. And let the crocodile tears of the hypocritical ultra-rich lube up a good-time for the ordinary folk of the world, for once.