Right-wing British tabloids, such as the Daily Mail and The Sun, have said they are shocked and saddened to announce that they won't be able to blame Prince Philip's death on poor & brown people. "It's what he would have wanted", claims a teary-eyed, mourning Sunday Express 'journalist' - saddened at the fact that they won't be able to make a tonne of cash, selling cooked up, race-baiting nonsense to a tide of genuinely sad readers - "at least, that's what I'm going to report he would have wanted".
Not to be defeated, however, the Mail on Sunday is to issue a free, commemorative-Sunday-roast coupon for "gammons everywhere", while the Daily Mail is printing a front-page "21-racial-slur salute", in the prince's honour. The Sunday Express is to display a special Brexit-themed obituary column, explaining to its loyal readers how the late duke (who fought in WW2 - alongside many nations, as well as countless subjects and victims of the British Empire - for a united Europe and world) was a herald of our go-it-alone, can-do attitude, and that the Greek-Danish-German prince was an icon of what it meant to be purely British.
The news of the passing came via an announcement from Buckingham Palace, today. Experts were initially unsure as to exactly when he died, but due to the state of decay they estimate the death to have occurred sometime around 2007.
Upon hearing the news, a melancholy cloud of sadness and regret swept the country, as the British people realised they'd imminently have to grit their teeth and watch Boris Johnson speak on TV again. However, once they'd gotten that out of the way, the nation took to social media to pay their respects.
The Prince is to be remembered as a loving husband, semi-loving father, a horrible father-in-law, a gaff-machine with a flurry of highly-questionable opinions on several important cultural issues, and a right-hand steward of the nation's monarch, during an unprecedented century of change.
Our thoughts are with the Queen and her family, at this time.