Britain to 'absolutely cripple' Russian exports, by restricting Newcastle's weekly vodka consumption to "human levels"

With the world uniting behind drastic measures to damage Putin's war machine, Britain plans to put a cork in the Russian economy, as no other nation can.

Britain to 'absolutely cripple' Russian exports, by restricting Newcastle's weekly vodka consumption to "human levels"

Britain is set to take radical action to cripple Russia's economy in response to its invasion of Ukraine, by banning the binge drinking of vodka in Newcastle for more than four days a week. A plan aimed at bringing the total amount a population of that size would consume to a more human level. The move has been described as "stunning" by some economists, and is expected to divide the value of the entire Russian exports market by 7 billion percent.

"We are worried", said one Russian citizen. "Between shipping vodka to British towns, and manufacturing & selling child-sized bulletproof vests to the Americans, our economy's going to have holes in it the size of those in the rationale for post-Cold War NATO expansion".

But the move has some Tory MPs worried. When asked about their fears of an expectant backlash in the polls from the affected constituencies, the PM reassured his colleagues that "given a couple of weeks, this should do serious damage to the Russian war machine. So, hopefully this whole thing will be all over before those otherwise-Labour voters will be sober enough to notice."

"Besides," the PM added, "this, of course, is a situation of the uttermost seriousness. There is no measure we can take off the table, no sacrifice or hardship the public cannot be prepared to make. No matter the cost of suffering to the average Brit. We're risking nuclear war here, afterall." When asked then when the UK will be banning imports of Russian petroleum, which would actually do unparalleled damage to the Russian economy, but whilst hurting rich people's money here, the PM explained, "well, let's not be hasty."

Further, Downing Street announced it will be expanding economic assistance to the Ukrainians: "We plan on upping our imports of Ukranian steel. It will boost revenue for the them, whilst being a nobrainer tool for our own construction industry - whatever the secret is to the forging process over there, those Ukrainians are made of the toughest metal around."

Eager to get behind the PM and stand in solidarity with the main measure, some old school fellow Tories & general Brexiteers have vowed to cut off their supply of Russian-right-wing homophbia, and hatred of Eastern Europeans. Settling to rely on their own, ample home-grown supply.

Asked whether a nation that just voted to exit the European Union on account of the movement of refugees would be willing to open its borders to the mass amounts of displaced war victims coming from Ukraine, one prominent Brexiter answered, "This is Britain. We beat the Nazis, we won the Cold War. My Brexit-voting constituents can sense the gravity of this crisis, and will be willing to step up. Besides, unlike with Syria, Afghanistan or Libya, these refugees are mostly white. So that should help a lot."