"This pandemic," said President Biden today, at a remembrance ceremony for the half-a-million Americans who have died from Covid-19, "has challenged us at the very heart of our nation. Poverty, crushing medical debt & woeful access to healthcare in the first place, job insecurity, and just fear, fear & more fear - these are the sweet American truths that we, in the ruling class under capitalism, hold to be self evident. Covid has rallied the people to demand we change those facts of life."

"And on this horrifying anniversary, I, As President of The Status Quo, solemnly swear to protect what matters most in America, and ensure we get back to normality, here. Crushing, brutal normality. Firstly, by making sure the tragedy of healthcare for all never, ever comes to pass."

"Many have asked me," the president went on, "whether I plan on building upon the healthcare system we already have. Let me tell you, that I will be defending the legacy of my former boss and political sugar daddy Barack Obama, by not expanding or replacing Obamacare." He went on, "I will be boldly continuing all the policies of the previous Democratic administration." A statement that prompted a murmur of panic in the crowd, which Biden aides promptly calmed down, after reassuring attendees there will be no droning of innocent children in the crowd, today.

"Some, like Bernie Sanders, say that the path forward is an emergency package of Medicare For All. I'm sorry, but for me, that's just too unrealistic. Letting tens, maybe hundreds of thousands more die, and millions go suffer under the weight of bankruptcy - now that's the American way."