The on-going saga of top GOP officials experiencing critical lapses in health continues, as, following the news that President Trump has been admitted to the Walter Reed military hospital with a rapidly worsening condition, Vice President Mike Pence's erection is now clearly visible from outer space.
The decease of Mr Trump would see the succession of Mr Pence to the presidency, till at least the coming election.
"We're very alarmed by the news," said Mr Pence's personal physician, "as the gigantic erection has resulted in a dangerous loss of blood from his brain to the forefront of the head - where Mr Pence's penis is located."
"The condition is further surprising since, despite the temporarily large penile size, like most Republicans, Mr Pence has a complete lack of balls."
A quick whispering from one the VP's aides seemed to then refocus the doctor away from sharing such personal details: "As for his treatment, the situation is critical - I recommend an immediate and full transfusion. Of power."
Intermediary medical aid has consisted of the VP's doctors making their best attempts to find a powerful 'anti-Viagra', to combat the erection. Their first attempt was presenting the VP with a detailed description of Ted Cruz' sex life via his discussion of his tweet history - enough to halt in its tracks the blood flow to any extremity, let alone the penis. However, when the pain proved so great that Mr Pence began screaming for his "Mother! Mother!"... only for his wife to come over and affirm that "Mother is here"... his doctors realised that nothing would be disturbing enough to overcome what Mr Pence is already used to.
Regarding the president's health, doctors have announced they've put Mr Trump on a round-the-clock ventilator, continuously blowing smoke up his ass to try and keep his ego alive. The one organ that powers all of Trump's vital functions.
Trump originally requested he be treated by his own Sec. of Housing and Urban Development, Dr Ben Carson. However, Dr Carson is a specialist in treating patients via brain surgery, and you have to have a brain for that to work. Sec. Carson however did recommend another much more suited physician for Mr Trump, and Dr Frankenstein is thus set to take over care, imminently.
It is unclear who precisely gave the president the disease, but with so many Republicans catching covid-19 off each other, scientists are now confirming previously inconclusive claims that as well being airborne, coronavirus is indeed passed on by parasites.
In light of the spread, doctors have begun immediate emergency checkups on the rest of the top GOP brass, and so far the results are dire: all Republicans so far examined have tested positive for a complete absence of a heart, a fleshy jelly like substance where their backbone should be, and a purpleish Kool-Aid like substance where their brain ought to exist.