As the powerful protests for racial and social equality grow across the world, Jedi Master Yoda is the latest previously celebrated figure to soon have his statue taken down, after historians (specialising in the 1999-2005 era) found records detailing his use of a massive army of cloned, bred-for-combat, conscripted soldiers.
The records, too horrible and boring to watch, have uncovered that the Jedi commanded and oversaw the army of genetically engineered New Zealander super-soldiers, during the ‘Clone Wars’.
This was a massive galactic clash/incredibly entertaining TV series, between the cloned Grand Army of the Republic, and the Separatists, whose troops were robots. “When you think about it, given that we were supposed to be the good guys, it was pretty damn backward for us to use cloned troops, bred solely for and forced into combat, when the other side had manufactured, emotionless droids”, said Jedi Council spokesalien Ki Butar. “But then again, doing things backwards is kind of Yoda’s thing.”
“To be honest, most of what he did back then was a testament to stupidity”, added fellow force-wielder, Jedi Master Hugh Jass. “He missed the rise of the Emperor - a guy who could literally be Satan’s stunt double - under his very nose. He couldn’t spot Anakin’s raging feelings for Sen. Amidala (that wasn’t a lightsaber Skywalker was igniting whenever she came into the room). And he signed all of us up to an unlimited movie-deal with a soulless, profit hounding galactic superpower, who so far have only served to ruin whatever was left of our old story.“
“I think it was all those fumes he inhaled at his weekend pad on Dagobah. The death sticks didn’t practically grow on trees there - they literally did. The whole place was like a planet-sized meth lab”, weighed-in old friend and fellow council member Obi-wan Kenobi. “Honestly, by the end, trying to get through a meeting with him was like watching an entire season of Breaking Bad in a half-hour sitting. We really tried to get him off it, and get his mind right. Though, it wasn’t just his mind that was fried from all that (kyber) crystal. His body took it hard, too. You see all those wrinkles? He’s actually only 36.” He went on to add: “We all were against the use of clones, but none more than me. On this, I have the high ground. Slavery, in any form, is an abhorrent act. Any government claiming to use it for its sustenance or even survival has immediately forfeited its rights to continue. I welcome the statue’s removal. In fact, I know a planet that will melt it down, quite nicely.”
Yoda joins the recent likes of Winston Churchill, Claudius of Rome, and other leaders with speech impediments, to have their once celebrated record now rightly questioned.
We reached out to his now estranged son, Baby Yoda, to see if he endorsed the statue’s removal. He sent us this holo-message: “It is not only possible but it is right that, alongside celebrating their acts of service and victory, we condemn a leader’s negative actions when they are of this scale and category. Forced servitude of any type brings us down to the loathsome, vile likes of Darth Cheney, and Donald the Hutt.
Though, at least we didn’t inflict 90% civilian casualties, including hordes and hordes of innocent, murdered children that are never ever coming back, via a needless drone war like President Obama.
I implore everyone to forever keep working toward a galaxy where the rights & equality of all are celebrated and upheld, and things like injustice, discrimination and servitude become a legacy long of the past. This is the way.”