WHO warns second-lockdown boredom could reach 'Big Bang Theory Season 5' levels
"Boredom in the previous global lockdown was bad enough, causing paranoia, fear, and extreme depression in many - but our study predicts boredom in the new lockdown could be up 17 billion percent from that, all the way up to Big Bang Theory Season 5 levels."
With many countries fearing that they opened up too early/stupidly, it looks like many countries could be joining France, Germany and Britain, with a second covid-19 lockdown on the horizon. However, The WHO, fresh off their previous releases such as 'Baba O'Reilly', 'Pinball Wizard', and 'The Domains of Health Responsiveness: A Human Rights Analysis', has released the results of a new study warning that second-lockdown boredom could be as bad as 'Big Bang Theory Season 5'.
In a statement on the report, WHO representative & epidemiology specialist Dr Pete Townsend said "whilst lockdown is a key tool in fighting covid, it can of course bring its own health concerns, particularly those of mental health. Boredom in the previous global lockdown was bad enough, causing paranoia, fear, and extreme depression in many - but our study predicts boredom in the new lockdown could be up 17 billion percent from that, all the way up to BBT season 5 levels."
The terrifying claim has come from a team of comedy writers & analysis experts working at the University of the Unemployed, whose job is to publish their opinions on what other people are allowed to enjoy. The team was able to document and release an entertainment 'survival guide' for the ongoing crisis, culminated from years of front-line experience, since the writers' normal lives don't differ much from lockdown and strictly enforced social distancing, at all.
However, despite worries of a public rebuke at what could be seen as 'expert arrogance', 99.9% of survey respondents agreed that the show is "objectively not funny. Terrible."
Dr Townsend claimed that whilst fans of the show are usually "used to social distancing", he asked that viewers limit the sharing on social media of them watching the show, so as to try and avoid the spread of the plague to others. "Usually, lack of taste can be a symptom of covid - so, if you're finding yourself on a multi-ep BBT bender, with no signs of stopping - get tested."
"At the end of the day however, the estimate of boredom levels is just that - an estimate. The true figures could vary, and could even go as high as exposure to season 9," Dr Townsend added. "If you do find yourself there, might just be better to actually go out and get yourself the disease. Less painful, that way."
With people everywhere desperate for help and advice, phonelines around the world are expected to be flooded and overwhelmed, as doctors, nurses and care assistants join the ranks of millions calling up Netflix, demanding something better to watch on TV.
If you suspect yourself to already show signs of extreme covid induced boredom, the report's authors suggest self-isolating yourself for at least seven days with plenty of fluids, snacks, and seasons 2-11 of The Simpsons. Other experts have weighed in however, saying "fuck anyone giving you judgemental shit. Just watch what you want, and do what makes you happy! :)"
They did add however that if you find yourself a serious fan of How I Met Your Mother, that your case may be beyond hope, and that you should seek professional medical attention, immediately.
Follow Polerium on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, for more satire, as well as real news, politics, and analysis.