Trump's medical team assembles "world-class group of plumbers", to begin round-the-clock bleach injections

With the health of the president continuing to sink even faster than his poll numbers, Trump's medical team is pulling out all the stops, and has assembled a world class group of plumbers to begin administering round the clock bleach injections, in hopes of fending off the coronavirus.

The decision comes after the president himself famously suggested the idea himself as a potential treatment for the disease, back in April.

Many in the president's fan base welcomed the news, however rumours that the team was assembled from janitors and fixers of Trump's real estate towers via government funds has sparked concern of the ever-growing power of the Military Industrial Apartment-Complex.

Nevertheless, the team has been placed at the centre of one of the most serious/ironic events in modern geopolitics.

"The situation is dire," reported the lead fix-it man, in a statement to press: "I mean, I'm used to a festering disgusting mess, but when we first got there and were briefed on the situation, even I was grossed out by what I saw. However, after we'd finished analysing the current US political landscape, and moved on from D.C., they filled us in on Mr Trump and finally let us get to work."

"Usually, I spend my time flushing out and disposing of dirty, decaying vermin that are clogging up the system, not trying to revive them. But just like a chameleon, or a Biden official coming up with new excuse after new excuse as to not support Medicare for All in a pandemic, I was confident we could adapt. We carried out an immediate series of tests, and while most of the time when you're dealing with Republicans that have been infected by a debilitating and deadly virus, they most likely test positive for Sean Hannity, we decided to leave no stone unturned in our examinations."

"At first we were concerned with a large blockage found within the president's intestines. But it just turned out to by Mitt Romney, who'd gotten himself so far up the president's arse during over the Supreme Court nominee, we had to send in a team of Sherpas and high-altitude rescue animals to get him out."

"We also found the president to be suffering from shallow and strained breathing -a classic corona symptom. But that just turned out to be Melania strangling Trump with a chain from behind, whilst wearing a gold bikini."

"After the tests were complete, we were able to begin treatment, immediately." The decision to apply the bleach as a medical tool has been described as controversial/totally bat-shit crazy, by some. But the president's handlers were keen to manage his condition in a way that would be in-line with Mr Trump's wishes, and he himself has described the bleach as a potential "Miracle Cure". Though, that's not much from a guy who considers his dessert holy cause it's covered in Miracle Whip.

Members of the president's entourage however were keen to press the wisdom of the medical manoeuvre: "As we all know, and as the president himself has said many times: this is a hoax pandemic. So we thought we'd fight fire with fire and use a hoax cure."

Still, the president's medical care goes beyond just the administration of cleaning products. Doctors are also giving him an 'experimental cocktail of drugs' after hearing they're a favourite of Mr Trump's at celebrity parties, hoping that his body will react well to the familiar beverage, served after his favourite light lunch of coke-cola and Adderall.

"There's a lot more to do," the president's lead/lead plumber continued, "and we know the entire nation has him deep in their prayers. Half desperately hoping he'll make it through this disease, the other half hoping it'll kill him.

Still, whatever happens we'll do our best according to our sacred oath as plumbers/odd-job fixers to see the patient through without bias, prejudice, or post-claim rate hikes on your home insurance.

And besides, come what may in the president's health right now, there's always the chance we can flush him away in November."