WARNING: "Russians definitely interfering with this election, and any other we might happen to lose 🤷♂️", claim Centrist Democrats
Centrist Democrats made shocking revelations today claiming that they have undeniable, but unfortunately right now unshowable proof, that in the case that Joe Biden looses in November, the 2020 election will have been severely compromised by Russian Intelligence.
Centrist Democrats made shocking revelations today about the security of America's democracy, claiming that they have undeniable, but unfortunately right now unshowable proof, that in the case that Joe Biden looses in November, the 2020 election has definitely been severely compromised by Russian Intelligence. Further and coincidentally, that the Russian penetration of the US electoral opening has already begun for all future elections, for the rest of time. And probably some previous ones they lost, too.
"This is a terrifying and highly coincidental prospect," claimed chairman of the House Permanent Committee on Carefully Selecting Intelligence, Adam Schiff: "I promise you, on the soul of my fellow elected officials, that if Joe Biden loses this election we will be able to bring up some evidence that says Russia did it".
The news has already had a severe impact on the US economy, with a massive injection of cash from the 2 billion tonnes of cocaine that have been shipped to Rachel Maddow's house, for the never-ending celebration and post-accountability after party, that's set to begin. A gathering which can only be described as a cross between that massive rave scene in the Matrix Reloaded, a never ending loop of Scar Face, and the second half of Apocalypse Now.
Ancient prophecies discovered on stone tablets underneath the MSNBC building describe that at the end of this great gathering, Maddow will emerge for a climactic fight against the leader of Q-Anon.
The herald of the new Democratic Party standard this election, Joe Biden, waded in on the revelations, himself:
"I will NOT let Russians interfere with or buy off this election. That is solely the purview and right of corporations. Our magnanimous CEO overlords, who daily let their golden blessings trickle down upon me when I'm on my knees in front of them, have (made sure you) worked long and hard for their ability to pay for our elections to go one way or another. And I will not let it stand that some foreign actor who hasn't given me a single campaign contribution cuts in line."
Seeking reassurance & firm guidance on the terrifying news, many ordinary Democratic voters reached out to former President Obama, whose press secretary sounded a powerful response by pressing a big red button connected to a likeness of his voice, saying "vote".
Far from taking the warnings seriously, Republicans have rebuked calls to pass any legislation that would prevent such meddling. "Now it wouldn't be vary fair, would it," claimed one GOP senator, "if we prevented other countries from getting involved in our politics, when we interfere with any and every election going across the whole of the damned Earth. We're all about spreading the American model, here in the Republican Party - and that means rigging elections, dispersing widespread toxic propaganda, assassinating leaders, and even downright blowing the country to bits and sending the tanks. What kind of monsters would we be if we didn't live up to our example, for folks?"
In response to the statement, a disgusted and shocked Democratic representative exclaimed "it's folkx".
However, fierce and deeply impacting differences aside, both parties were united in tackling the deep and worrying concerns that the US elections could potentially one day be influenced by the bottom 99% of its own population.