The Nobel Prize for Chemistry has been awarded for whatever fucked up chemical cocktail has been cooked up to keep Joe Biden awake, for tonight's first presidential debate. The clash, which is set to look less like a showpiece of American democracy and more as a deleted scene from Breaking Bad, will see Joe Biden take on Donald Trump in the historic political equivalent of passing kidney stones.
The stakes are high - almost as much so as the candidates - and so the prep teams of both sides are taking no chances. "We're throwing everything we've got at this," said one Democratic operative, "after a long, hard fought summer of doing absolutely nothing and avoiding appealing to voters as much as humanly possible, our campaign is leaving no stone un-turned in cheap gimmicks and easy-get outs to push our candidate over the top. To show the American public undoubtedly that our candidate has what it takes. And for Joe Biden, that means drugs. Lots and lots of drugs."
"There's enough juice in that guy to keep a smoothie bar supplied for a decade."
"We went all out on this," another Biden aide continued, "hiring chemist after chemist. Each one the absolute best that $150,000 of crippling student loan debt can buy. And all of them intimately familiar with the combination of toxins we're gonna need to convince the people that we didn't just pull this guy straight from the taxidermists, or a medically induced coma.
He's gonna be pumped up with so much special sauce he's one vomit away from becoming a cocaine ranch dressing fountain."
But of course, it isn't just drugs they're using to coax a winning performance out of the former VP. "You have to be hungry for it. You have to reach out and grab it," Biden is told by his debate psychologist, again and again, so to make him have the mindset for victory. For hours, Mr Biden is bombarded with motivational messaging, in an attempt to stir him: "Treat it like it's yours, like you want it - like you own it - and it doesn't matter what anyone else says!", yet still it doesn't get through. It wasn't until a bright-spark of an aide suggested Joe picture the win like it was the genitals of an unsoliciting, young Senate intern that he got the idea, and jumped into energised action.
It's not just the Democrats though that are loading up their candidate with enough crank to kill a hippo, the GOP are of course hard at work trying to inject Trump with every advantage possible. "He's practically got the whole periodic table swimming in his veins," said one anonymous White House/Hooded aide. "The amount of gear in this guy is staggering. Mitch McConnell had to get the Senate to take out a second stimulus package just to pay for the Adderall shipments, alone."
"And when it comes to the Adderall, sure Trump loves the stuff, but with how much of it there is we're having to get creative with how we feed it to him. We've tried dropping a few in his coffee, using feeding rhymes like "Neooow, open wide for the Lolita Express, and its little tiny passenger on board", as well as dissolving a load into the litres of Q-Anon Kool-Aid he's been chugging. Yesterday there was so much ground up white powder flying around the kitchens here, it looked like his breakfast was cooked in a snow globe."
"Though stirring some into his debate prep notes we spell out for him in his Alphabetti Spaghetti every evening seems to work best."
So, with the stage set and the two candidates locked, and definitely loaded, America braces itself.
In the clash of these two candidates it's unclear who will come out on top. But one thing's for sure - when these two political standard bearers collide together, it's gonna be Alien vs Predator - "whoever wins, we lose".