Melania Trump to compete for land speed record, in "World's Fastest Divorce"
It's inauguration day 2021, with more than one Trump era today set to possibly end. It's long been rumoured that the Trumps have had a loveless, faux marriage - and with America today getting its chance to break from Donald, Melania may soon be taking hers.
First Lady of the United States, 7th lady of the Trump marriage, Melania Trump, is set to soon clinch her title as the speediest woman on the face of the Earth, with her hotly anticipated run in the "World's Fastest Divorce".
With the final day of the Trump presidency upon us, Melania Trump is just hours away from qualifying for the race of her lifetime. Many in America wished that things underneath Donald Trump had just been boring and forgettable - well, for Melania at least, it certainly was. After what many speculated was a near-loveless arrangement, many are pleased to see the FLOTUS finally start living up to the promises of her anti-bullying campaign, by dumping the biggest, grossest bully of them all. And none are more pleased than Mrs Trump, herself:
"Of course it was a sham. Our marriage lasted five minutes. Which, trust me, for Donald, is a long time to last."
The pair would frequently be seen having what looked like mini-rows on camera, with Mrs. Trump pulling her hand away when Mr Trump reached out to it. The kinda attention from Donald that Lindsey Graham, or even his own kids, would have killed for.
"People get divorced for lots of reasons - unbelievable lies, demeaning affairs, gross and outrageous temperament. For Donald, that was a Tuesday."
"He always had some gold-digging, cheap floosy he paid off trying to put their head in his crotch, and 'suck up' to him. Usually Ted Cruz. And, of course, despite his hair and his makeup being the attention drawers, there was always one part of himself he was obsessed over. That part. He loved to remind people how 'huge' it was - often just straight up showing them. Using it to impress or intimidate people. The one thing I liked about him originally, to be honest. And Mike Pence absolutely loved him swinging it about. Yes, he was obsessed with his giant ego. Which is ironic, given his miniature penis size. "
"A hateful, disgusting man. Always talking about how he hated foreigners coming in America, and would stop it if he could. I wish he felt the same way about Americans coming in foreigners. Ugh."
That's not to say that Mrs Trump is totally innocent herself in the eyes of some, however. Many wished she had done more to use whatever national attention she had, to try and instil a different spirit in the minds of Trump's followers, a common consensus being that that she herself didn't believe in Trump's extremist dark rhetoric & policies. However, it's of course extremely difficult to make any kind of a stand when married to a brute of a man like that, under any circumstances - let alone when he's literally the most powerful man in the world.
Even the divorce settlement is set to be a struggle - "how the hell do you carve up 50% of promised Saudi political favours, and a right-wing national cult?!"
As for what's next for the soon-to-be-former First Lady, some speculate that she'll return to her native Slovenia, with Trump returning to his native Tatooine.
However, it's almost certain that she'll stay in the States with her young son Baron, whom she loves, dearly.
In her final words as FLOTUS though, Melania reflected on where the future will take her, via the spirit of where she's come from:
"You've never heard poetry till you've heard 'You're fired!' in Slovenian!"