Despite his promise to nominate a woman, as well as an actual real life human being, Joe Biden has announced his pick for VP on his 2020 ticket, as the fictional character from South Park, Token Black.
After sniffing through many potential candidates, VP Biden made the announcement via his cutting-edge digital outreach hub, on his Myspace page, and via his fetlife profile @IHeardYouLikedMe.
In a statement by the Vice Predator, Mr. Biden said "We are at an unprecedented point in our history for poor people, and other non-whites. Thanks to the crime bill that I wrote, the drug war I helped push, and the legacy propped up by the racist segregationists I championed & worked with, POC in this country are in a real tough spot. So, naturally, I thought that it's vitally important I pick a candidate who embosses exactly what our outreach to the black community will be like: Token."
Top Democratic spokesperson, Karen, fresh from dispersing a pesky BBQ-in-the-park by some people who didn't look like they belonged in her neighbourhood, wrote in on the matter, saying "Just like our substantive program of outreach to the African-American community, Token isn't real. So naturally, he was a perfect choice.
Besides, he needed someone who could play a mean riff on the bass for the inauguration ceremony, and we've got crates and crates of that Hillary Handbag Hot Sauce left that gotta go somewhere."
Though Mr. Black is an oddly young choice, at just 10 years old, Mr. Biden said that, whilst he didn't understand it himself, he got the advice from Bill Clinton that "they're better when they're young. More suggestible." Apparently former Pres. Clinton didn't come up with the phrase either however, having instead heard it from a late, dear friend of his.
Naturally, the other women of colour that Joe Biden was seriously considering were very disappointed, with Rachel Dolezal, Elizabeth Warren, and Candace Owens all releasing statements expressing their sadness.
Previous top contender, the definitely white woman Sen. Amy Klobuchar, who prior to Congress worked for years as a prosecutor in Minnesota, was understandably upset, throwing a binder at us, containing her statement:
"I don't understand. You conduct your career as a prosecutor, as a non-critically part and parcel of a machine that repeatedly rejects the cries of the minority community, and the entire country, that the system is unjustly biased against non-whites & the poor. Then you refuse to bring charges against an officer involved in a 2006 shooting, for that officer to go on to be the guy who murdered George Floyd. And then, at the end of it all, you get passed by at the last second during a time of cataclysmic crises for the nation (including a tipping point in police brutality and racial-injustice), after also running my political career solely as the candidate who will bring you absolutely no change. It's unfair. You might even call it discriminatory."
In response to questions of whether it might be a bit offensive to just pick a black person, without any intention of offering real solutions to a terrorised community in this time of crisis, and further, given his troubled past, whether this adds to the charge that he is in fact himself a racist, Mr Biden released a powerful statement, saying:
Initially, Mr. Black tweeted out a seething letter of commentary, criticising the commandeering of his identity for such a shameless political purpose:
"We are human beings. Not farm animals to be bartered with or lured. We demand what is our right, and the right of all people in this world - real, simple, systemic solutions to our problems. Not shameless, empty vote pandering. It's easy.
To have a Person Of Colour, or of any disenfranchised and oppressed group, in a position of authority is an important thing. It's a powerful symbol, and can help inspire and educate. However, it's often next to no use if that person does not take the opportunity to fundamentally change the system which is dehumanising the afflicted, which is crushing them. Or even worse, if they work to prop it up.
We're human beings. They're murdering us in the streets."
However, upon being told by doctors that unfortunately without supporting Mr Biden he would no longer be black, Token retracted his statement, and is now being measured for his Kente cloth, and being briefed on speeches about increasing funding for the police, and blocking Medicare For All.