Gandalf The White Announces 2020 Run For President
Ancient wizard and self described Democratic Socialist Gandalf The White today announced his run to become President of the Istari of Middle Earth, in 2020. This is the wizard’s second run for leadership, rising to legendary status. - SATIRE
Ancient wizard and self described Democratic Socialist Gandalf The White today announced his run to become President of the Istari of Middle Earth, in 2020.
This is the wizard’s second run for leadership, rising to legendary status from near obscurity after his last adventure saw him fall fighting a great, vengeful evil. What it’s true name was is not known, but in the common tongue it was known as the Dee Ehn Sea.
Now he’s back - reformed. And according to our sources on, and under the ground: it’s on.
At 2000 years old, he’d clock in as the oldest Wizard in Chief ever there was, should he win. But “his age heeds not his sprightliness”, said friend and magical Elf advisor, Killer Mike the Fair.
Many of the fans in his company were eagerly awaiting his return, getting worried whether he would in fact enter the race. Gandalf however didn’t hesitate to steady them:
“A wizard is never late, dear revolutionary. Nor is he early. He announces precisely when he means to!”
In an opening speech given via palantir to the free corners of Middle-Earth, GW touted a policy rich platform, in which to shape the lands. Policies including legalising marijuana - a commitment to which his friend Bilbo Baggins assures us the wizard has. Further, he claims no one has the experience he has in taking on the greediest of wealth hoarders, trapping treasure from ordinary folk for themselves, namely the dragon Bezos.
He spoke sternly also of fighting for justice and equality between all races - Dwarf, Elf, and Man. A bold commitment to the Green New Deal was also near the top of his agenda, with the policy staff behind it being headed up by his environmental advisor, Treebeard. “Trust me” the wizard spoke, “you do not wish to see this planet angry.” He outlined his commitment for ending the West’s involvement in these destructive regime change wars in the Middle-Earth East.
And of course, he’s seen in great favour for his consistent, and fervent record in fighting for the little guy. Hobbits.
His top effort though is likely to be the conclusion of his career long fight against the all corrupting influence of gold in politics - “That mighty cursed ring gives men the ability to have what they secretly crave most - power. For a short time, that is - until they become slaves to the Dark Lord of the special interests, forced to do his bidding. With tax cut after tax cut, and an outsourcing of all middle class Middle-Earth jobs.”
The wizard aims to assemble as numerous and bold a fellowship of humble folk as he had last time to power his quest, and seeks to take on many foes along the way, including the former Vice leader of Gondor, the Steward Biden, and Joe Scarborough of Angmar. Before finally taking down the great evil that heralds his orange presence atop one of his many towers.
His first order of business however is to claim the keys to the party from the former, corrupted leader, and her fork tongued servant Grima Wasserman Schultz.
As the bearer of the ring of fire himself, Gandalf and his supporters seem to be heard telling his enemies to “Feel The Bern”?