Noted ruthless oligarch and furry cartoon animal Tom Nook has been found to be a major money launderer for some of the world's most dangerous and bloodthirsty terrorist groups, details in the recent FinCEN papers show.
The leaks, which came from files stored on a top secret, NASA-grade, encrypted pink Nintendo Switch, suggest the amounts Mr Nook have been dealing in run into the hundreds of billions, and that after acquiring the funds, he stored them as countless jars of off-brand nutella. The currency being acorns, after all.
The jars were then sold worldwide, cleaning the money for the criminals, skimming Mr Nook a profit, and leading to countless dirty, blood-stained, delicious chocolate breakfasts, everywhere.
The reports suggest Mr Nook, a cuddly Tanuki investment manager by day, spent his money on booze, drugs, and barrels of a special daily-refreshed, ice-blended cocktail containing the crushed and enslaved spirits of the entire Millennial generation.
Groups Mr Nook is alleged to have worked with include ISIS, the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and the Mafia. Charges on all of which his legal team is preparing defenses for. Claims however that money was also laundered for the campaign to re-elect Mitch McConnell were stringently denied by Mr Nook, himself - "I still have a soul."
When questioned on how various UK and US governmental departments, such as the CIA, GCHQ, and the respective Departments of Defense were reportedly 'outraged' at the discoveries, Mr Nook was quick to a statement: "Yes, of course to these agencies, and for all the hard work they do, I would like to immediately and profusely apologise. I will get to laundering all your money as soon as possible. Don't let these headlines, that cleaning the world's most blood-stained and corrupt money means I'm working with the likes of terrorist groups and cults, take root - I'm still fully loyal to my most favoured, and most feared, number one customers."
"And believe me," he went on, "that money needs cleaning. The Brits? They trade in enough sedative to put half the electorate to sleep. And it works. Let alone the memory erasers the Tories import and seem to shove down the voters' throats, every time they pop out a new election manifesto.
And the Americans? Their coin is dirtier than Donald and Ivanka's home movies 😳 The amount they spend on illegal Adderall shipments for Trump is enough to put a man on Mars - and he'd be there just to deliver pizza to the rest of the colony they set up."
"And that's just the international side of it. You should see the domestic gig they're running. Using taxpayer money to buy drugs that they feed to POC, to young people, and to the poor - on purpose. All to break, brutalise and dominate those communities. That's cold. Using drugs to capture and control the lives of an entire generation of your own country's young people? Outrageous. They should just use video games."