With the early ending of lockdowns around the world, health officials are warning that a resurgence of deadly viral plagues could see your ex trying to come crawling back.

Experts are warning that infection of this particular disease, which last time took anywhere from therapy to an exorcism to sever all lingering ties to you, should be avoided at all costs. Usually their attempts to get to you will occur after having expunged a long list of previous hosts of their nutrients, finances, freedom and sanity. By which point, the contact tracing records of the plague will be looking like a Facebook friends' list of venereal diseases.

The parasite can often be difficult to detect, disguising itself with a veil of deceit, false victim-hood, gaslighting, and a semi-permeable phospholipid bi-layer. As well as coming as the perfect ride-along with a set of other illnesses, such as amnesia and Attention Deficit Disorder, where the viral agent will try and secure its hold by promising to give the you all the attention you're currently deficient in.

"Usually, the virus will try and re-enter its hosts through the DMs, via an opening in the victim's self-esteem," said Sarah Stewart, a contagious disease expert/agony aunt. "Vomiting hard and immediately is the correct response, and usually serves to eject the contagion, as well as remove any alcohol in your system that was actually convincing you to take the prick back in the first place."

The next step, says Dr Stewart, is the viral agent trying to tell you they've changed, or mutated, and that the parts about them you hated not only aren't there anymore but weren't their fault, anyway. For example, when they tell you they'll never cheat again, and that they were forced to do it via illness, having a crippling addiction to getting whatever they want, whenever they want it. Usually they follow that up with some sort of firm promise or pledge.

"Baby, you'll never catch me lying about it again, I swear. I'll be much more discrete next time."

Then there is the memory of how crappy the sex between you two itself was. On this too they swear they have improved:

"I know the sex wasn't good before, but I've been working on it a lot. I've gotten really great feedback from my therapist, and your sister."

And if the professional psychiatric help they've engaged with, consisting of getting high in their underwear, in the living room of the much older, also unbalanced and desperate woman your ex left you for, whilst a Dr Phil episode plays in the background, hasn't yet worked enough, don't worry. They'll be plenty opportunity to fix the rest of their issues, since all their therapy requirements are to be fulfilled by you from now on, and you're gonna be expected to put them back together like a flat-pack Ikea chair. Only the chair is one used to bolt in and restrain victims in a Vietnamese torture pit.

Symptoms of the disease include coughing, high fever, anxiety, crying, years of crippled emotional capacity, and frighting mental trauma. As well as severe cardiac failure, from having your heart completely broken.

As to how to combat the disease, Dr Stewart said: "We suggest taking the advice of trusted experts, such as your friends and relatives, who've seen up close what a piece of shit your ex was, and who know how going out and getting one of the many actual, fatal, terrible diseases on offer today may well be a better experience."


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