Durex has announced a new range of condoms for those carrying out the hardworking, front-line service to society of fucking abusive cops' wives.

The prophylactics boast a new technology that incorporates doughnut particulates into the lining which are then fed on by the sperm, making them fat and immobile. The lineup includes the names "Thin Blue Line" and "Rubber Bullets", as well as the "Requesting Backup" and "Multiple Shots Fired" options, for group events.

"This is a virgin market for us. I mean, a brand new market for us," says Durex Spokesperson, Sarah Monroe. "We're experienced with sex, but we rarely delve into matters regarding the police - which is no doubt the case for them, vice versa. But still, in this unprecedented time/opportunity to make money, we thought we should do our bit.

And so now, everybody responding to an emergency of a woman who hasn't been satisfied in years will have the severely overpowered protection they need. Blue Wives Matter."

The new impressive equipment, to go along with the already impressive equipment that most users are packing, is proving popular. One such customer, who for the sake of anonymity asked us to call him by his pseudonym, Dirty Harry, had some typically-positive remarks. "Usually, I'm a quick draw with my piece - my pull out game is strong. But when I do need to go in there all guns blazing, I know these things will absolutely protect us both from any friendly fire."

"My first time using them was actually a bit of a shock though," he added. "But not because of the condoms. See I thought these women were pretty vanilla, but when I got to the wife's house, she was covered head to toe in bruises. 'Woaaah!' I said, 'You must like it rough?!

'No.' she said."

Pleased with the market response, the Durex spokesperson elaborated on the success of their product. "Many of our users have already gotten quite creative with them. We hear there's a few new moves they've come up with, such as:

  • The Danish - where at the end, instead of ejaculating into the condom, you pull it off and leave her happily looking like a glazed doughnut, ready for her husband when he comes home.
  • The Runaway - where, again just as you're firing your load, she gets up and runs away from you. You point your junk at her, and shoot her in the back. Then, you take the used condom, kneel down, and discretely plant the evidence of your hook up on her.
  • The Unarmed, Peaceful Protester - where you just pound the absolute shit out of her.

Durex is already looking to potentially expand the range: "Initially, things were slow, but recently they've been moving off the shelf in bulk order. Once we started advertising, cops' wives realised such a thing was socially acceptable, and started buying them whenever they need them. Sales have gone up since by 17 million percent."

We did also take a look at whether there was an opening for a birth control to market to those police officers themselves. But we found that they have that covered, as they just usually use their personalities.


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