A boom in the British housing industry is to be fuelled by a panicked Prince Andrew shitting a relentless supply of sand lime bricks, as rumours have reached Buckingham Palace that Ghislaine Maxwell is willing to cooperate with US federal authorities.

"Like most things the Prince has said and done regarding this whole affair - particularly during his disastrous BBC Newsnight interview - these bricks are an absolute load of shit. Literally," remarked local building-site foreman, Ryan McGyntee. "Normally of course we would want to avoid that in our building materials, but this guy must be under some pressure right now, because these things have come out hard as diamonds," Mr McGyntee continued, whilst demonstrating the brick units' firmness with a solid tap.

"They certainly get the royal seal of approval from me, aha. He is a paedophile, though."

"It is indeed all a bit of a nasty scandal," the builder continued. "But the one silver lining in all this is that we will be using these free bricks to provide the people of Britain with shelter and safety from the harshness of the elements, and the dangers of the world. Including Prince Andrew."

With word of the rumours spreading around the globe, and the US Southern District of New York's office putting out a statement requesting Prince Andrew come in for an interview, Buckingham Palace's lawyers have indeed drafted a swift response. "We have written a sternly worded letter on the matter, clarifying His Royal Highness' firm position on the issue, to be sent immediately to assassins everywhere so we can get this thing bloody well taken care of."

As to exactly how to off his former friend and accomplice, the prince himself had led the deliberations. "At first I thought about going for the classic - off with her head. But, then I realised that would be too cliche for a crème de la crème billionaire socialite/child-groper; she wouldn't be caught dead going like that. Which wouldn't be helpful."

"Then one of the guys suggested that why don't I just lock her up in the Tower of London? But I told him how that was the code name for my secret sex-dungeon, and that she'd probably like that."

"So then," the prince continued stern-eyed, as he repeatedly slow-punched his fist into his palm like a mafia boss ,"I told them to give her the Andrew Special."

"No, not a molesting. A royal thrashing."

"But in the end we just thought, why don't we just bribe the warden running her jail to let her commute to her imprisonment every day through 9am London traffic. Then she'd just want to go ahead and top herself."

"I wouldn't actually know though to be honest, I never really experienced trafficking in London. Ghislaine handled all that for me."

As to who would be selected for the dark contract, an anonymous source from within the palace told us that Prince Andrew was decidedly out of his depth. "We spent hours pouring over the brochure of who to pick: from the old-school hitmen, the modern specialists, the Parisian car drivers, the lot of them. But we couldn't find one he liked. His ears did prick up when I pointed out that the one candidate he was interested in was rated as effective, but very young an inexperienced. He said those types had served him well in the past. I thought I'd better handle the hiring process, from here."

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