In a powerful bid that appeals to absolutely no one, Joe Biden pledges to crack down on gender reveal parties, in a noble attempt to calm and pander to the nation, as huge portions of it are literally on fucking fire.
"As my doctor wife frequently says, when you have a serious condition that requires serious and immediate action, you have to just treat the outer symptoms and let the underlying ravaging disease work itself out. Nature knows best." Mr Biden was later reminded that his wife has a doctorate of education, not medicine, and that humans have taken nature's vast network of balance and wisdom, and burned it straight to the ground.
In a later statement, the former VP added:
"Look, I've been a lifelong Catholic. And as you know, we are warned about acts of great suffering and destruction, in the Book of Revelations. Well, the Gender Revelations are the worst ones! We're talking Buffy Season 6 level evil here. And you can already see the prophecies coming true. Take one look out at California right now, and it looks like Michael Bay directed a porno film, except everybody spurts gasoline."
to which Mr Biden was told, "Sir, this is a Wendy's".
But despite his comments sounding odd to many, idiot political pundits praised the move as a cunning olive branch to both the left and the right, at the expense of the candidate's centrist base. "Look, both flanks of our politics hate these types of gender hootinanees," Mr Biden elaborated, "the left view it as either preformative woke theatre or putting sexual identity on too much of a fake pedestal, and the right think the word 'gender' is the name of the opening chapter of Das Kapital. But my centrist voters? They live off this. Shit's like Adderall to them."
"This is a time where the nation needs unity. So, I say to my leftist * cough *, excuse me, my leftist friends * sniggers * out there, the ones whose leader and climate-action hero I just spent 18 months duplicitously and mercilessly crushing into the ground, and for whom this is clearly a huge gesture - you're welcome. I accept your apologies."
When pressed on why he doesn't just attempt to bring leftist voters into the fold with substantive policy, something that would benefit all voters and literally the entire world, with something like a Green New Deal, Mr Biden seemed open to negotiation. "Ok, I hear you on the Green New Deal. But, it's a little too bold for me - so, how about something a bit more midway, my Counter Deal?"At which point two Biden aides wheeled in a trolley holding a giant ice sculpted middle finger, rapidly & helplessly melting under the heat supplied from a bunch of hundies in campaign donations from oil executives, all dipped in crude oil and set ablaze, to light his cigar. The figurines of near-skeletal, starving polar bears around the base were a nice touch."
After about an hour of constant, uninterrupted laughing and dollar-bill cigar lighting, Mr Biden told us to go try talking to his "Sec. For Convincing People I Didn't Rape A Woman". When we got to Kamala Harris' office, she told us she had a more solutions-orientated approach:
"I have always been dedicated to the idea of giving the key people the resources they need to do the key jobs. That's why I'm absolutely for locking up every one of Antifa out there, to nationalise a policy that carried on unabated when I was California AG - that of providing states with unlimited firepower to tackle the blazes, by sending inexperienced, underequipped prisoners, many I locked up just for simple non-violent drug offences, to be used as slave labour, in going to fight some of the most deadliest fires known to the history of man."