With just hours to go before the big ceremony, President-Elect Joe Biden has completed a last minute blazing run of his traditional plagiarising spree, and has finally finished his magnum opus, for his inaugural address: Ode to CornPop.
"He was the best of dudes, he was the worst of dudes," the odyssey is said to open. Starting with a great, tragic poem in the ancient-Greek style, Mr Biden will regale the masses with an epic, fantasy tail of his greatest rival - his oldest friend, before leading into talk of sunny days ahead, for America. So sunny in fact, that it'll turn his leg hair blond, whilst he plays in the pool of tomorrow with the nation's youth. An image which he intends to explain in great, unnecessary detail, for some uncomfortable reason.
Fresh from the lament to his CornKing, Mr Biden then will sweep the audience away to famed memories of him getting arrested for the attempting to visit Nelson Mandela on Robben Island, of him teaming up with Greta Thunberg to near single-handedly defeat Climate Change, of winning both The X-Factor & a Trump Miss America pageant in the same year. And, of not locking up unholy numbers of America's POC with a draconian crime bill, of never-ever furthering an evil drug war far beyond all moral & logical reason, of not-once contributing to the corporate totalitarianism of US politics and voting & demanding to not dissolve student debt, but to instead cut & crush the social security program. The section where he boldly claims what he actually has done for America however seems to be strangely short.
Moving on, there's even set to be a comedy section, where Uncle Joe talks about how he and his party will forever honour womens' rights, and stand proudly with the Me Too movement. A line that did very well, gaining tremendous laughs from the preview-audience, of Biden's fellow top Democratic Party officials.
A religious man and proud Catholic, Mr Biden will include a small homage to his Maker, and his God, to which he admits he owes it all - Barack Obama.
He'd also like to thank all those in the nation who worked tirelessly on his behalf to spread the messages of his campaign, working hard to make sure no other candidate was so well or so positively publicised. MSNBC are said to be thankful for the mention.
As for those who voted for him, his hard-core Democratic base, those who are desperate to see Mr Biden bring that most-important of changes in restoring what matters most in America, what they've lost these last four years, the incoming president will promise this:
"I swear to you, as your president & before God, this most important of truths. To which I will commit all. That never again in the United States we voted for will our people ever have to fear, that the meal between breakfast and lunch may perish from this Earth. America's back! 🌊"