Joe Biden has appointed noted Spanish linguist Justin Bieber as his Latino Communications Director, his 2020 campaign has announced.
The move, praised by strategists from such lorded, famous Democratic victories as "the 2016 election" and "1000 state races lost in the last 10 years", comes after Biden made a moving testimony to the deep struggles and diverse backgrounds of America's Latinos, by playing Despacito into the mic at a recent speech.
Internal polling has Biden staffers very confident that the appointment combined with the Despacito rendition will boost their support among POCs by roughly "17 million billion percent", the campaign says. "We expect to win Florida twice," said one Harry Potter reading former Warren supporter-now campaign aide, "as well as Arizona three times, and even the island of Cuba, itself."
But it doesn't stop there. Biden intends to solidify his support among the community with a string of Latino-outreach themed proposals, that he himself penned:
- Swapping Veteran's Day for Taco Tuesday
- Promising to refer to himself as El Gringo in Chief
- Extending the new Dem. policy of "folkx" and "latinx" by replaying every letter of the alphabet with x.
- Changing the national anthem to Gasolina (though to be fair, this proved universally popular, in recent national polling).
- Swearing to uphold his oath to the constitution by declaring to the nation that "these hips don't lie".
- Switching from DEFCON 1 to Mambo No. 5
- Replacing a pathway to legalisation with a Cha Cha Slide into citizenship
But Washington pundits caution that a strategy containing absolutely no policy suggestions at all may be far too "policy rich" for an already spoiled, ungrateful, young Latino population.
Further, the former VP's attempt to appeal to Latino-Americans has not found much of an embrace with current residents of Latin American countries, themselves. One victim of America's War on Drugs - which Biden very enthusiastically supported back in the day - indeed reminded us in a statement that when it comes to neoliberals, "They're rapists, they're murderers. They're not sending us their best people."
When pressed upon concerns that the campaign may be treating Latinos as too much of a monolith, that members of the diverse community speak languages other than Spanish too (with Latino > Hispanic), and hail from such wide ranging places as Guatemala, Cuba, Chile and Uruguay, Biden admitted "I never knew Mexico was so big".
Still, despite the fact that Trump has actually increased his support among Latinos since 2016, Democrats remain confident that their message of "a chicken in every pot and a taco truck in every garage" will clinch them the win. "Vote for me in el noviembre," Mr Biden proclaimed, "and I promise to put us on the road to El Dorado, where we'll all be livin' la vida loca!"