Rep. Joe Kennedy III, son of former Rep. Joe Kennedy II, grandson of Robert F. Kennedy, and nephew of Mayor Joe 'Diamond' Quimby, stepped up his quest to
void America of one of its only people-serving progressive politicians, and instead give his career a major shot in the arm, by today issuing these immortal words to the people of Massachusetts: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for me."

The House member is currently in the middle of challenging incumbent senator Ed Markey, or Ed Maaaarkey, as it's spelled in the native Bostonian, for his senate seat, in the Democratic primary. Markey remains one of the few actually progressive and proactive senators around - he's a supporter of Medicare for All, a fighter against Trump's terrible immigration policies, and a co-author of The Green New Deal.

"Ich bin ein Kennedy" - Rep. J. K. III

Kennedy's resume on the other hand looks a little... sparse. And the recent shellacking Mr Markey gave him on that front in the recent debate, highlighted so.
When pressed on the matter by a reporter, he replied in that quintessential Kennedy wit for which his forbears were so well known, to "fuck off".

However, at a recent press conference, the young representative remained confident that he's the right man for the moment in helping to lead MA., and the country, through its struggles. "In these times of disease, poverty and racial tensions, I think it's important for all of us as Americans to remember that my ancestors were famous."

"Look who we're up against in the White House, today", the representative continued, "a cadre of rich, narcissistic villains. Who better to take them on than a rich, out of touch narcissist of our own? I know the game. And," he added as he stared into the camera, speaking directly to the voters "you don't want me playing against you".

Many have questioned whether Mr Kennedy's stalwart centrist approach is currently right for America, when the nation is so demanding for change. "There can be no doubt that my branch of politics best understands the complex problems we face," Mr Kennedy said, "cause we're the ones who created them. And after my support of Elizabeth Warren in the Democratic Primary, I understand the struggles of POC well."

"Yet we have the unparalleled opportunity here to malaise some more, and use the mighty and unstoppable force of our nation to kick the can so far down the road, we'll practically be scoring field goals into the next century with our own denial."

"But seriously, though - a new space force, sprawling conflicts around the globe we can't control, black people wanting rights, communists causing us trouble that need to be crushed where they stand (only they're American kids, this time). Doesn't that remind you of a certain era? The only thing missing is a big Kennedy election."

A noted Catholic, the representative is said to pray daily about his congressional race to his gods on Wall Street. When asked if he'd go as far as to actually sell his soul to secure the senate position, Mr Kennedy's office rebuked that that was "a ridiculous question" since "you already have to sign your soul to Nancy Pelosi when you get into establishment politics just to get through the door."

When asked what his future political ambitions would be were he to win the election, he said for now he just wants to "serve the people of MA (a crock of bs), challenge Meghan McCain to single combat, and defeat Chelsea Clinton for control of the Iron Throne". Massachusetts at the senate level is reliably blue at the moment, so all that has to be done is for current primary polls to continue to show Mr Markey in second position, and the Kennedy curse will be passed onto voters, come November.


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